Russian Jokes
Modern russian humor
Sadly but it seems to me the article about russian humor in Wikipedia was outdated at the time it was written. Shtirlitz, Chapayev, Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson, Vovochka and Cheburashka are no more funny. Here you can find most popular modern russian jokes since the end of the USSR.
All jokes have Russian and English versions and commented with asterisk (why are they so funny).
Feel free to redistribute this article providing direct link to the site Modern russian humor.
Russians and their believes through their national humour.
We say Russia we mean Vodka? We say Bear we mean Beer!
1.
Russian
- Представляешь,вчера возвращаюсь с работы чуть раньше обычного, а у жены в постели – незнакомый мужик. И глаза у обоих хитрые-хитрые… Я сразу неладное заподозрил, кинулся к холодильнику – а они, суки, все пиво выпили…
English
- Just imagine, yesterday I came back home from work and caught my wife with a stranger in my bed. And both of them with cunning eyes! I’ve got it. Something wrong! I rushed to my fridge… Like I knew it! The bastards drank up all my beer*!!!
*In modern Russia beer is much more popular among young people than vodka. There is modern saying «Vodka without beer is waste of money» («Водка без пива — деньги на ветер»).
2.
Russian
Если в слове «хлеб» сделать четыре ошибки, получится «пиво»
English
If you make four mistakes in spelling word «loaf»* it makes «beer»
* In Russia bread is sacred type of food. It can be eaten even with pasta.
3.
There is modern saying from very popular russian movie «The traits of national hunting» («Особенности национальной охоты»).
«Закуска градус крадет» which literally means «Snack steals alcohol percent» The meaning is «if you have not enough vodka to get drunk you shouldn’t eat anything»
Russians believes in two Presidents of Russia Putin&Medvedev
1.
Russian
31 декабря в 12.00 по всем каналам выступит Дед Мороз, который обьявит о передаче полномочий В.В.Путину.
English
Strait on New Year Eve on every russian TV channel you can see Santa* statement that he hand over all his authorities to Putin**.
* Russians believes in Ded Moroz (local Santa). It has sleigh driven by horses and grand-daughter Sniegurochka who helps him deliver gifts. Ded Moroz wears Blue and White coat not Red and White as Santa — it’s the easiest way to make a difference.
**Very funny political joke for year end 2003. It based on fact of handing over Presidential authorities to Prime Minister Putin by President Yeltsin in yearly New Year Eve presidential greeting (year 1999). The second meaning is that President Putin on year 2003 has too much power and the only power he can add is the Santa magic power. Actually the joke can still be funny for year 2010 if you live somewhere else than in Russia.
2.
Russian
В чем разница между «мочить в сортире» и «отливать в граните»?
English
What’s the difference between phrases «to do in lavatory» and «mould in granite»*
*The first phrase «to do in lavatory» by President Putin is about the President intends of killing terrorists everywhere even in loo (saying actually based on historical fact about Israeli AT forces killed terrorist through the toilet door). The second phrase by President Medvedev 2009 Year End. He said it to his subordinates on the meeting in Kremlin: «This is you who makes remarks, not me. Every word of mine is moulded in granite!!!» The double entendre is the meaning of russian words «мочить» and «отливать» are the same — «to take a leak».
Russians are still believe they are the most educated people in the world
1.
Russian
Эффект Допплера: длина волны света, исходящего от приближающегося объекта кажется короче, чем от удаляющегося. Как это можно пронаблюдать?
Когда поедете вечером на машине, заметьте, что от машин, приближающихся к вам, идет белый свет, а от удаляющихся — красный.
English
Doppler effect is the change in frequency of a wave for an observer moving relative to the source of the wave. If object moves from observer the length of wave of light gets shorter, of object moves to observer the length of wave of light gets lengthener. How can we observe it?
When you drive at night you can see the white light from approaching cars and red light from cars going away.*
* If you don’t get it I can’t fix it. Sorry.
2.
Russian
У одного ученого родились близнецы. Одного он окрестил в храме, а другого оставил в качестве контрольного образца.
English
The scientist has two baby-twins. The first of them he baptised, the second was kept as reference specimen.*
* Russian orthodox church is one of the most rigid churches in the world. No major changes for almost thousand years. In USSR citizens were not appreciated visiting church. After USSR collapse every ex-communist turned to hard believers.
3.
Russian
Между прочим, закон Архимеда ещё никто не отменял! И из-за этих двух перчиков в каждой бутылке Немирофф… Нам не доливают 50 грамм!
English
By the way the Archimedes’ Principle still works! Because of two chilli peppers* in bottles of Nemiroff honey-pepper vodka we don’t get one drink per bottle.
* Russians adore vodka so they have many recipes of it. In my opinion honey-pepper is the most knock-out nastoyka. Be responsible drinker. Know your dosage. Half a litre per head is enough:) To Nemiroff PR department: please contact me ASAP to appreciate this product placement:)
Russians believes they’re the only nation in the world with strong spiritual and family values
1.
Russian
Cамым семейным праздником признан День Воздушно-десантных войск. В этот день лучше сидеть дома и смотреть телевизор.
English
The most family holiday in Russia is the Airborne Troops Day. This day you better stay at home and watch TV*.
* the Airborne Troops Day means that every year all ex-airborne troopers in their traditional blue beret gathers together, drink enormous amounts of vodka, takes shower in city fountains, kick asses special police forces and assault «gay-looking» men that passing by. You really better keep a distance unless you’re russian ex-airborne trooper.
2.
Russian
2 часа разговаривал с мамой – понял, что соскучился…
3 часа делал с сыном уроки…
4 часа объяснял жене, как менять колесо…
Ну когда же придёт лифтёр и выпустит меня из ё**ного лифта!!!
English
2 hours of chatting with mom. missing her so much…
3 hours of doing homework with son…
4 hours of explaining to wife how to change flat tire…
I’m so sick and tired waiting for freaking elevator maintenance to set me free…*
* most of russian elevators are broken or nearly broken. The common story is to spend two or three hours in elevator cage.
3.
Russian
Все российские проблемы с законопослушностью граждан начинаются с того, что родители уводят детей из детского садика через дыру в разломанном заборе.
English
All of Russia’s problems with law violation begin with the fact that parents takes their children away from kindergarten through the hole in a broken fence.*
*Sad but true. All kindergartens have holes in fences in the most convenient places for parents. All official entrances located so weirdly that the only reason for this might be confusing the enemy in case of war.
